Tuesday, April 29th, 2008...1:06 am
#30: Long haired children
The Best Parent Ever is better than you because they never cut their toddler’s hair. This is most noticeable amongst young boys (see above). Since when did all the Best Parents insist their male children run around playgrounds like miniature versions of long-forgotten heavy-metal stars and grunge bands? Hey, “Welcome to the Jungle Gym,” little pint-sized Axl Rose. That’s not “Teen Spirit” you’re smelling, tiny Kurt Cobain — it’s your dirty pull-up diaper! As for that three-foot high Eddie Vedder in the sandbox, he has one thing to say to you: “Don’t call me daughter.”
Whatever happened to haircuts? The Best Parent Ever loves defying convention whenever possible — especially when it makes their life easier. First haircuts can be traumatic for both child and Best Parent alike. Why bother with that hassle when the Best Parent Ever can just announce they have decided to “preserve my child’s birth hair,” which is just a fancy way of saying “I don’t want to hear my child scream at the local Snip-its.”
More importantly, though, the Best Parent Ever is hypoallergenic to all but the most fashionable and stylistic choices available. And let’s face it. Boy haircuts pretty much only come in two varieties: The Buzzcut or The Bowl. In a choice between The Blue Boy and The Dutch Boy, the Best Parent is going for the one with the long hair and culottes (that would be The Blue Boy, by the way).
So take that, rabble-rousing hair bands of the ’70s, ’80s and ’90s! Your rock-n-roll, rebel hairstyles have been completely co-opted by a bunch of longhaired toddlers birthed by the Best Parent Ever. And that’s why the Best Parent Ever is better than you! Well, at least until that first lice check.
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20 Comments
May 1st, 2008 at 2:52 pm
I was on a bass with a man with young kids and in walk and Ethiopian kid and pointed out that the boy with long hair was a girl. It became an argument just because he had long hair.
Cut your kids hair.
http://stuffgirlslike.wordpress.com
May 14th, 2008 at 12:22 pm
One thing that I have noticed about very little boys with long hair or very little girls with extremely short hair is that their parents will get very offended if you address their child by the wrong gender. .
May 19th, 2008 at 11:06 pm
Funny - I am a mother of 2 boys with long hair. They’ll be getting cuts soon, though each for different reasons. Frankly, my 5 year old has long hair because when he was 3 he had the intelligence & communication skills to make it clear to us that others in the family had long hair, so he wanted long hair too. Kids seldom ever mistake him for a girl, though he is very “pretty”; its always adults that make assumptioms despite the obvious. It never offends me, but I think he gets tired of explaining, as he & I both know that girls simply never dress like that.
May 20th, 2008 at 3:26 pm
I knew a family with a similar problem - they had a little girl who never had a haircut; which, in itself isn’t a problem. However, they never COMBED her hair, either! She had very, very curly hair and her mother didn’t want to “comb the curls out” and was also afraid because “the tangles hurt her.” Her hair was also bright red, so she really stood out with her bird’s nest on her head.
May 28th, 2008 at 1:39 am
I love my long haired little boy
May 29th, 2008 at 1:24 am
their parents will get very offended if you address their child by the wrong gender
Actually, it’s funny; people *expect* me to be offended, and always say, “oh, I’m sorry!” but actually, I mean, he has long hair, it’s not terribly surprising that people think he’s a girl. (And he also says, “no, I’m a boy . . . that’s okay, everyone thinks I’m a girl.)
That said, YES, I WIN I AM THE BEST PARENT EVER.
June 3rd, 2008 at 6:43 pm
thank you jesus for making this finally come to light. is it merely a coincedence that every long-haired boy i know has a serious discipline problem? nope, because the mentality here is: “*my* little boy is so cute and so perfect in every single way that he must never be told no & must never have one single hair cut from his angellic head because, well isn’t he cuter than everyone else?! (& secretly well you know, if i cut it– it won’t be blonde anymore!)”
so i shave my son’s head. and you know what that means– the best parent evah is meeeeeee
June 4th, 2008 at 2:24 am
LMAO! Little boys with long hair.
*snort*
Here’s some scissors for you. Cut your boys’ hair please! Wait until they’re older to look like girls.
June 4th, 2008 at 4:38 pm
I think it’s funny (ignorant) to assume that boys w/ long hair are discipline problems. I happened upon this website b/c I am looking for a LITTLE shorter style for my son, now that he’s 4 1/2. I will definitely not be opting for a crew or a buzz - no offense to the parents that do. My point is, if the child is well behaved, the hair is just a matter of personal taste. I like my son’s hair longer for the same reason my son has never seen a single movie or show w/ swearing or fighting - b/c they are only young & innocent for so long. There is no rush to make a 4 yr old grow up. My son’s intelligence is above average, and (maybe more importantly) his behavior is way above average. He treats everyone w/ respect; he does what he is asked; he exceeds everyone’s (including mine) expectations on what he’s capable of doing - sitting through movies, plays, dinner, meetings, whatever; while on the other hand plays like any other 4 yr old would - wide open. No, I do not get offended if someone thinks he’s a girl, although it’s pretty rare b/c he wears boys’ clothing. I just do not understand all this business about trying to judge other parents - based on haircuts, of all things.
June 4th, 2008 at 7:38 pm
That first paragraph was spit OUT funny! Good job on this blog. I’m lurvin’ it!
June 5th, 2008 at 4:39 pm
This is so stupid, like the reast of this “blog”… I can’t figure out if this is supposed to be helpful to ppl or the writers are just that dumb.
June 5th, 2008 at 4:51 pm
It’s called satire. It’s not meant to be helpful. If you don’t like it, don’t read it. I’m sure there are much more helpful “blogs” out there for you to read.
June 7th, 2008 at 1:22 am
“My son’s intelligence is above average, and (maybe more importantly) his behavior is way above average. He treats everyone w/ respect; he does what he is asked; he exceeds everyone’s (including mine) expectations on what he’s capable of doing….”
i rest my case.
June 7th, 2008 at 1:32 am
i hate to break this to you, but “the best parents ever!” will never really understand or “get” humor, they are way too busy being “the best parent ever!” to have time to think about what’s funny. (& if they did, this blog– which is fabulous BTW!!– wouldn’t even exist, because they would all change if they could understand it & then laugh at themselves!)
oooh. that one was deep
June 8th, 2008 at 3:19 am
You know what’s worse than a little boy with long hair? A little boy with an earring in one ear. Seriously, it might not be in style in 20 years, and even if it is…let him make that choice.
June 13th, 2008 at 9:18 pm
Kate - you got me. This article was the 1st one I came across on this site, and I did post before I read the any other blogs, meaning before I realized how hilarious this stuff is.
I have realized that I am only 6 for 37. I thought I did a great job raising my son, but now I guess he’s doomed.
You know, he’s been whining a bit since he came back from my in-laws’. Maybe I should try giving him one of those prison hair cuts, maybe that would clear that right up. Why didn’t I think of that before?
June 14th, 2008 at 2:50 pm
Love it Love it Love it!
Just dropped in here from failblog.org and now am hooked - looks like the gardening will have to go on hold again.
Oh, and well done Ashley for your returning entry. Although you were just taking yourself a LITTLE too seriously for a while there.
June 15th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
You’re right Mandy. I was having “a what-a-day” before. I get those from time-to-time b/c I only get to have 1 kiddo. This site does rock my socks off, cures those blues right up.
June 16th, 2008 at 10:01 pm
Sorry, the mistaking the boy for a girl thing doesn’t work. I know because I’ve tried offering my 11 year old son some make-up to go with his long hair, but he just laughs. This must be payback for all those mushroom-shaped haircuts I made him get when he was a preschooler. It’s too late for me, but I think those best parents are onto something. Let those boys grow their hair out when they’re 4 and they’ll rebel with a #2 buzz cut when they’re 12.
September 13th, 2008 at 5:34 pm
I don’t care if people let their sons’ hair grow down to their feet. Just don’t get all huffy if I mistake him for a girl. If you don’t mind correcting me politely, I don’t mind being corrected. But when you act like I have just insulted your entire family for mistaking your androgenous kid for the wrong gender, well, I have issues.
On the flip side, if you cut your daughter’s hair really, really short, and she only wears her brothers’ hand me downs, don’t get offended when people think she is a boy. Ok to politely correct, but if it gets on your nerves because it happens constantly, maybe you should reconsider the hair situation.
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