June 4th, 2009

#60: Fairness


The Best Parent Ever is better than you because they believe in fairness more than you do.

That’s why EVERY child gets a trophy just for participating these days. Number and letter grades have been expelled from grammar school — no one ever “fails” a class anymore, they merely need a little “improvement.” And everyone, all the time, at every possible moment, is always a winner (except, of course, for those “losers who take drugs,” claim our kids’ anti-drug coloring books).

Why have we become so insistent on making everyone feel so victoriously “equal?” Because we’re not equal. And we all know this… except for the Best Parent Ever. Equality is a subjective concept that always looks most promising when you’re at the top of the food chain. And it’s the job of the noble BPE to smother us with this glorious “fairness,” lest we notice how crushingly unfair it all is. This is just basic Lion King 101. You wonderful gazelles shouldn’t mind being eaten, the King of the Jungle says, because we are all winners in The Circle of Life.Uh… no. Not really. One of us is going to be lion manure on the Serengeti in a few hours, while the other takes a nap in the shade of Pride Rock. What’s so fair about that?

So take that, Failure! You have no place rearing your big, fat “F” in the world of the Best Parent Ever. But even more importantly, please don’t remind everyone else of their underachievement. Just let “Needs Improvement” handle that job. It’s so much more fair. Because the last thing the Lion King needs is a bunch of gazelles getting all pissed off over so-called inequality. “Can you hear the love tonight?” “No, sorry, I have the antler of an angry gazelle shoved so far up my ass it punctured my eardrum.” Now… would that be fair? Not for the Best Parent Ever.

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May 4th, 2009

#59: God


Not only is the Best Parent Ever better than you, but their God is better than you too.

This is because the Best Parent Ever knows that even a perfect Supreme Being can be improved and customized. Cherry-pick a few biblical standards, mash it up with Buddhism and/or New Age nonsense, and then plug directly into your young child’s mind. The God/Goddess/Life-Force/Angels/Energy is good to go, like an over-priced Jamba Juice fusion of mystical energy boosts.

It’s no surprise that The Tribe claiming parental providence over the rest of us has also deemed a few millennia of spiritual tradition to be little more than Swifter chum of the soul. After all, isn’t old-time religion just a little too egalitarian for the BPE? The only way to park that spiritual Prius on the most exclusive block of the Afterlife is to change all the streets signs and roadmaps, so none but the Best of the Best can ever possess it.

So take that, St. Peter! Heaven is just another gated community built for the Best Parent Ever. Hey, they’ve gotten their children into the most exclusive preschools around. Do you really think they’ll have any trouble getting past some divine guard shack? Even if you manage to stall them for an infinity or two, Buddha, L. Ron, Deepak, and/or the Ghost of Oprah will be waiting to let them in the side exits when no one is looking. And that’s why, even when they are dead, the Best Parent Ever, will still be better than you. Halleluha! Namaste. Whatever. Amen.

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April 20th, 2009

The Best Parent Ever’s Recession Guide


The Best Parent Ever is better than you because they will survive the recession/depression better than you, simply by following this handy BPERG (Best Parent Ever Recession Guide).

As most BPEs know, money isn’t everything. But USING money to let people know you are BETTER than them is.

Thankfully, this is still possible, even with increasingly-limited resources! It just takes some attitude and a little old-fashioned obnoxiousness. Soon you too can be BETTER than them with less too.

Housing: Living it up with Liens. First off, it’s not a “recession.” It’s a “new economy.” This imbues all the BPE’s financial setbacks with the veneer of cutting-edge trendiness. Some might see a plain old foreclosure sign on the lawn of that local McMansion. But not the NE-BPE (New Economy Best Parent Ever). The Trustee Sale is an au currant status symbol. “Hey, you’re nobody `til your NOD (Notice of Default).”

The Stay At Home Mom is the New Nanny. That’s right. The only people the BPE could possibly pay less than their non-white nanny are themselves. So here’s a novel idea: take care of your own kids for a change! It will be informative, and you’ll finally understand how your nanny feels. Plus, your unemployed nanny will now get that much-needed extended vacation she has been meaning to ask you about, but has been too tired and hungry to ask for.

Public Schools are the New Private. When you come right down to it, the biggest difference between that must-attend private academy and the public school down the street is one thing: reputation. Unable to cough up the $30,000 in private school tuition, the NE-BPE must radically upgrade the reputation of their local free institutions. By getting involved in the schools? Assisting teachers? Perhaps even doing extra homework with their kids? Oh, please. We said “reputation,” not “real change.” The NE-BPE must immediately start spam-botting GreatSchools.com and parenting sites about the incredible accomplishments of their local public school, to make them seem extra prestigious … at least until the recession ends.

Clothing: “vintage” now means “last year.” Passing off your kids hand-me-downs as vintage clothing just got a little easier thanks to NE-BPE resourcefulness. In some circles, this kind of “resourcefulness” is called lying. But the NE-BPE likes to think that enhancing the historical merits of those organic onesies and overalls is the perfect anecdote to curtailed shopping budgets. And remember: it’s NOT a thrift store. It’s an exclusive boutique with one-of-a-kind merchandise.

Canvas Tote Bags Hide All. Can’t afford to shop at Whole Foods or the Farmer’s Market anymore? No one has to know. Just stuff your Wal-Mart produce in an earth-friendly canvas bag, preferably with some kind of “green” market logo on it. Plus, these bags are usually sturdy enough to carry heavy bottles of liquor, so you can “party like it’s 2007!”

All-Natural Never Looked So Good. Always remind people that your deferral of cosmetic surgery and other physical enhancements is not due to lack of funds, but your newfound love of the environmental-friendly all- natural look. You’re not broke. You are the new Earth Mother. Love-handles are the new Botox – everyone should have some. (And, yes, that doesn’t make sense, but style — not logic — is the BPE’s hallmark.)

The $25 stroller. Little Red Wagons never go out of style, especially with some real authentic rust. People spend a fortune to age their most precious goods. You can just pull the old wagon out of your parents’ shed or cellar. Manure hand-carts work well too. Better make sure your NE-BPE kids have their tetanus shot!

Dumb Baby Names. Forget about Ava, Dylan, and Mia. This year’s hottest new name is… Ponzi.

The Nintendo Wii. Keep this. It’s a recession, not a depression after all.

So take that, jobless masses! The Best Parent Ever may be in the same financial boat as you, but their leaks are so much more stylish. That’s why, even as they sink, the Best Parent Ever is still better than you.

For more “helpful” parenting tips, join the BPE Discussion Board!