Best Parent Ever

The Best Parent Ever is not only better than you — they may BE you! But how would you ever know?

Why, take our new and informative Best Parent Ever Quiz and learn your true BPE score. Anyone who gets a score of 30 or more will get a prize — our endless mockery!

Click now to give it a try!!!

Feel free to put your score in the comment section!

NOTE: Unfortunately, the quiz only works in Internet Explorer, not Firefox.

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The Best Parent Ever is better than you because they are ensuring their child feels “empowered” beyond all reasonable human (or even god-like) abilities, certain to succeed in this world with little more than their good looks and Mount Rushmore-sized ego.

Let’s face it: is there anything worse than the whole “believe in yourself” movement? Children’s media, education, and parenting techniques are all geared towards convincing our young ones they can succeed almost by self-esteem alone. Forget hard work, lucky breaks, and rich relatives. You just have to set your mind to a certain accomplishment — sort of like programming the Favorites on an Ipod — and then it magically plays out. Except, that’s not how it works. Otherwise, we would all be instant rock stars, astronauts, and the President of Canada (yes, we know they only have a Prime Minister, but empowered children won’t let that stop them).

Sure, building self-esteem is important, but so much of the empowerment movement feels like a kneejerk reaction to the esteem-crushing ’70s and early ’80s, when today’s parents were themselves growing up. On the other hand, a lot of those old latchkey kids turned out just fine. If only the same could be said of this new generation of uber-narcissists. Don’t take our word for it. Just ask anyone with an older child still living at home well into their late 20s and 30s, despite a Costco-sized surplus of post grad degrees and career-making opportunities. Note to Best Parent Ever: you won’t be getting that extra scrapbooking room anytime soon.

So take that, ya lazy-ass Pilgrims and your do-nothing Native American pals! How this incredible modern world was built up from a couple of maize seeds and rotten bark chips without child empowerment classes just baffles the mind of the Best Parent Ever. Too bad they didn’t have Blue from “Blue’s Clues” to find some food at the First Thanksgiving, or Dr. Sears to invent the papoose for the Indians. We’d all be better off by now. In fact, we’d be the Best Parent Ever.

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The Best Parent Ever is better than you because they never, ever spank their children. Really. Honest. They never do.

But let’s face it: there’s only so much you can accomplish with a “Time Out.” When a child has almost killed himself or another sibling by running into the street, making them stand on the Naughty Step doesn’t really do it anymore, thank you very much, Super Nanny. There is a reason human children do not have exoskeletons covering their posteriors, like, say, a Dungeness Crab or a Trillobite. This is so they can be spanked when they are bad.

But don’t let the Best Parent Ever hear this. They are completely against what they call “corporal punishment,” a term that seems to imply giving little Cody a swat on the rear is the same as shipping him off to Tookie Williams’ old cell on death row. No doubt, there are unjustly abused children in the world. But there are even more unjustly abused parents, whose offspring are in need of a good whoopin’!

So take that, Fruit of the Loom dudes – and the buttocks you are protecting! You are no match for the Best Parent Ever when they let loose with a little power paddlin’. But really – they don’t believe in spanking. Ever. And for that, they deserve a Time Out.

For more “helpful” parenting tips, join the BPE Discussion Board.